Today I went for a walk (like I do most days) to the most amazing place! The little park by my house! I absolutely love it! (: I was walking across the bridge when I realized just how beautiful and perfect it is! So I snapped a picture with my cellphone (super low quality)! The stunning sight is hardly captured in this picture! It may seem silly but my park is like my own little sacred grove. I go there at my lowest and at my happiest and everywhere in between. It's often where I cry to the lord in times of sorrow or thank the lord fervently for everything that surrounds me in happiness. Somehow I see all the beauty of the earth in this little park. It's so shocking to me when other people don't see my park this way, they see it as just a park. Somehow they can't see the way the sun shines between the tree's branches, they don't see the miniature blue flowers in bunches throughout the grass, they can't hear the frogs croaking and the bee's buzzing or the laughter of the children that used to be me. They don't see the little waterfalls in the creek, the kisses given on the bridge. They can't see the beautiful variations of tree's and leaves and flowers, or the brilliantly colored dragonflies zooming around, they can't see the proudness in a father's face when his little girl jumps off a swing or goes down the slide by herself for the very first time. They can't see the dedication in the faces of those running on the trail, the sweat and hard work sliding off their faces, they don't see the loyalty between the boy or man and his dog, or the mountains on all sides reaching to the heavens and they can't see all the dandelion wishes blowing in the wind.. These are only a few things I see and yet somehow they go missed. I don't understand how people can live in such a beautiful world and miss all of the beauty that surrounds them. If you looked in the crack of a sidewalk you will probably find something beautiful, it's all about keeping your eyes open.  Everyday I am amazed by the beauty surrounding me, not only in the environment but in the people I see. I don't completely understand the world's view of beauty. It's all about how great your hair is, how pretty your eye color is, how large your nose is, the shape of your lips, how much you weigh, ect. That makes no sense though! If their eyes are glaring or mocking at other's where is the beauty? If their eyebrows are arched in anger or disgust where is the beauty? If their lips are frowning or grinning at other's folly's is that beauty? If their jaw is set high with pride, and their hair done in hours from vanity, is that beauty? If they're wearing as little clothing as possible for popularity or attraction is that beauty? Isn't it the kindness  and brightness in their eyes, the smile of their lips, the way they put their chin forward with confidence in themselves and willingness to help others, the way they respect the temple their heavenly father gave them, the kindness they say, and the hands they stretch out, isn't it these things that are beauty? To me it is. I think some people don't understand how beautiful they are or how beautiful they could be. Sometimes it's hard for me because I wish I was the daughter my mom wishes she had, or the girl all the guys want to go on a date with. I would hardly say I'm the worlds view of beauty. I'm struggling to become Heavenly father's view of beauty. Someday I hope to be as beautiful as my grandma is. Now is just my beginning.

Pushing and Pulling

So i've sort of realized something. I think I push away the people I love the most. I'm so scared of hurting them and of being hurt. I always seem to close myself out and pull up my defensive walls. Madison gets so frustrated with me because when I'm hurting the most I try and hide it. I don't want her to see and to hurt for me. I think she hurts more when she can tell I'm keeping my pain from her though...by trying not to inflict pain I tend to inflict it. It's not like I'm always hiding pain, I'm generally genuinely happy about life and everything going on it. In times of pain however I hide away in my room under my covers where my pain can't effect any of the lives around me. I hide from my own family. Lately I've realized not only to I shut people out when I'm in pain, I shut people out for the fear of pain. Generally when I like a guy it's not hard for me but lately with a guy i think i'm doing the opposite of showing him I like him. It's so much easier to joke around about liking a guy you don't like and flirting with a guy you don't like than with one you do. If they don't like you back then you don't get hurt like with someone who you really care for, and you don't want the guy you like to not want to be friends with you because you're showing too much affection for him when he doesn't feel the same. Therefore I think I end up flirting with his friend instead of him, being mean to him instead of nice. It's so weird because I usually am not this way! I think the more you care about someone the more you fear rejection, especially when they probably don't like you back. I think I'm probably confusing the poor guy to death though. One second I probably seem like I like him and then the next I don't. If only he knew...but then I wonder would it make a difference?

Music!!!!!!!!! :D

Have I ever mentioned how incredibly much I LOVE music!!?!! :D It just picks me up and flies me away!!! :DDDD Sometimes when I'm listening to a song I just can't resist running around my room dancing and jumping on my bed having a pillow fight with myself! :D I'M A LUNATIC!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! Music makes me so happy inside! It makes me want to grab someone and dance in the street! To run the streets at night barefoot with nothing but our laughter trailing behind us! I want to go rolling down hills in the starlight!!! I want to get to the highest point in the city and sing at the top of my lungs!!! I want to light lanterns and send them to the sky with my toes crunching in white sand!! I want to kiss someone with rain dripping down my nose!!!!!! Yes, oh yes, I DO LOVE MUSIC!!! I feel CRAZY right now! :D This is what music does to me! I just found a most wonderful song! It's called Brooklyn Blurs by The Paper Raincoat!!!! It just makes me sing along! :D I feel so happy about life, about everything! :D SO much that i had to write this!!!!!! :D Well I'm going to go dance now!!!!

In too deep.

So I think I'm beginning to understand myself a little better. I've realized I'm different. I'm seriously weird. Last night I was sort of venting to myself about how I can never like the normal guys, and by normal guys I just mean the usual one's tons of girls like. I have never liked a guy the girls go crazy for even when they have liked me. I was wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I finally understand! I've tried going out with the guys the girls like that and I enjoyed being with them, sure the hugs and kisses were nice, but that's about as far as it went. I couldn't connect with them much further than that because my mind is weird! Most guys minds don't go very deep. They go with the flow not thinking things through in depth. My mind is deep. Probably way too deep. I don't think I view the world the same as most, I see a story behind everything. When I see a flower I don't just think "What a beautiful flower." I think about it's struggle to live in the hot sun and how amazing each individual little petal sprouting out is , i see the petal that's dying and struggling for it's life and I think about how flowers aren't that different from us. When I see an abused animal I don't just think "That's horrible, that's so sad and wrong." Then put it out of my mind. I try to grasp how someone could do that to the animal, I picture it's life with the owner and the pain it has suffered, I picture the kind of person the owner is, probably one who abuses his wife in some way, maybe his children, his whole life and all the pain he will inflict passes through my mind and tears me apart, leaving me thinking of the cruelty of the world, what it has done to this pure innocent animal. I don't think most guys think like that and the truth is I cannot mentally/emotionally connect on the right level with them. I love them and their great friends...but just friends. I have met a few guys who think more in depth, most probably not as much as me but certainly enough, but not many of them. I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere with guys that think shallowly. It's a problem. I wish my mind didn't think so deeply. It makes me wonder if I"ll ever find the right guy for me. I feel like even if I did like them, they wouldn't like me back. Most guys don't like girls getting deep and my whole mind seems to be that way. Sadly it's not something I can change.

Arising

I have had the most amazing day!!! This morning I had to drag myself out of my bed to get up for 9:00 church. When my alarm went off at 8 I laid there contemplating if I should bother to get up. I couldn't hear anybody else up getting ready and I'm always the last to get up for church, so I knew they must not be planning on going. I hate sitting in sacrament meeting alone and considered just going to sunday school and yw's but then as I said my morning prayers I knew I needed to be there for all the meetings. So I pulled myself up and am so grateful, because I was going my mom decided to go with me.

Today in sacrament meeting the bishop's son Matt talked to us. He just returned home from his mission this week and told us about his amazing experiences. For once nobody was asleep. It was an amazing meeting, possibly one of the most spiritual sacrament meetings i've been in. I kept thinking to myself, "What if you had not gotten up this morning? What if you had stayed in bed?" The thought was then horrifying to me. That I would have missed out on such spiritual growth without even being aware on what I was missing out on.

Then in Young Women's today we had another amazing lesson. We talked about being beautiful, truly beautiful. My young women president Cassie, who I love to death, walked around the room where we sat holding a big mirror and asked us what we saw. We each looked and saw ourselves, just us, nothing so great we each thought. Then she asked us if we saw the joy in our eyes. If we saw the light of christ that she see's in us. Wow, we all thought. Had any of us checked to look for that? Does anyone look in the mirror in the morning and say "Am I sharing my joy today? Do I look like an example of Christ?" We all look at our hair, and our makeup, and our clothes, so absorbed in what the world says beauty is that we forget to put on and live to our true beautiful potentials. I will never look in a mirror the same. We watched  a video about a women who met David O. Mckay and his wife. When she came in David O. Mckay said "I'd like you to meet my queen." And the young women saw that what he said was true she said, "Hers was a beauty that cannot be purchased, her white hair was her crown, and her eyes sparkled like jewels." Someday I want to be seen this way. I want the kind of beauty that won't wash off, and i'm working to become that now. As many say "Pretty is as pretty does."

One more thing that changed my life today started with a story my yw leader told me about a day when she'd gotten up super early to do some things she needed to do and because she had dragged herself out of her bed when she didn't want to she had seen the most beautiful sunrise. She realized then as she was driving in her car looking at this beautiful sight, a sight she knew could only be created by her heavenly father, that had she not been up doing what she was supposed to she would have missed it. And the next second it was gone. It was only in the split second that she had seen the true beauty hidden now beneath the clouds. Later I was reading my scriptures and I had the urge to look out of the window as it was raining outside. I opened my second story window up and saw a gray sky but maybe 30 seconds later the entire horizon to the left of my house became a bright gold shining through gray and white clouds. It was breathtaking and lit up the street making it glitter. Then as I looked to my right I saw the most beautiful rainbow. I have never seen such a gorgeous sky and within a couple minutes the rainbow was covered behind dark clouds. But I had seen it. I knew it was still there. Had I not acted on that urge the spirit had given me I would have never seen it. Thinking back if I  had not gone to church then I probably wouldn't have been reading my scriptures and I wouldn't have been prompted to see it at all and my day would be nothing...it made me realize how important little choices are and how big they effect everything. As I saw that sky it brought tears to my eyes because I realized I need to be beautiful like that too, and that's what my heavenly father wants me to be and gave me the potential to be. I want to Arise and Shine forth. I'm starting today.

Burning

I have so many words to say...yet hardly anything to say at all. The good thing about blogs is I actually write in them...the sometimes bad thing...people read them. I can't just say whatever's going through my mind when I know it will be read. So here I am venting about what cannot be vented. I can think of every word I want to write but none of which shall reach this page. This is a problem of mine. Sometime's I am bursting to say things, shout things, cry things out. But for other's benefits they must not be heard. All well, my title summarizes everything pretty well.

I feel like my life recently is like one of those pictures that when looked at appears to be something totally different than what's actually depicted. I can't see the picture properly. I see what I want to see not what is actually there. I'm too idealistic. I want to see everything in a good light and see that everything is going great, but that is the fake picture. 

I give up. I'm sick of fooling myself. I'm sick of telling myself that possibilities are there. I'm sick of telling myself it could work out. I'm sick of telling myself that anyone could like me. I'm sick of how I can never seem to give up. I'm done with that. I'm naive and young and have dreams too big. 

I'm done with trying. I'm done with hurting myself. I can't ever truly be happy that way.